The Marauder's Code
by Annabel Leeah
Summary: What Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs never wanted you to know! Chapter 1: WHat Sirius Black is never, EVER allowed to do...


**Messrs. ****Moony, ****Wormtail****, ****Padfoot ,****and ****Prongs ****proudly present**

**The Marauder's Code**

**The Unquestionable set of laws every Marauder must follow.**

**Article A: One for All and All for One**

No Marauder may abandon another in a time of need; whether it be detention, girl drama, schoolwork, or family.

No Marauder will hold another's Marauder's views against him, unless the Marauder in question is being amazingly idiotic.

Jocular slights on intelligence, talent, personality, and appearance are allowed IF the topic being slighted is not one that truly matters to the Marauder.

Vulnerable spots are NEVER to be targeted.

If one Marauder is caught in the process of troublemaking or suspected troublemaking, he may not be a snitch and give away other guilty parties unless said parties were the ones who dragged him in on it in the first place.

All Marauders are to respect each other's privacy.

Gooey love notes and other embarrassing items of blackmail are fair game.

**Article B: Things Padfoot is never, EVER**,** allowed to do.**

Steal the Invisibility Cloak.

Eat dog biscuits.

Flirt with Prongs.

Flirt with Moony.

Flirt with Wormtail.

Flirt with Lily.

Bring a girl into the dormitory.

No, we do NOT care if the conditioner is out. You will buy your own.

Post hunting season flyers everywhere to scare Prongs.

Host a fashion show in the common room.

Not allowed to be the only model.

No one thinks the dress makes you pretty.

Set rat traps in Wormtail's bed.

Give Prongs a potion that turns him into a cat-boy.

He will kill you.

He doesn't care if Lily thinks it's adorable.

Convince a group of first years that you own the universe and that they need to pay you taxes for existing.

Call Snivellus a "tweedlegooby".

You just sound like an idiot.

Eat two pounds of chocolate before you go to bed.

Steal Moony's chocolate.

EVER.

Go streaking through the Great Hall at dinner.

This will not end well.

Flirting with McGonagall only makes it worse.

Call McGonagall "Minnie".

Sneak into the girl's locker room to stare.

If Filch catches you, you're not allowed to say it was for "research".

Lock Prongs and Lily in a closet until they admit the feelings they have for each other.

Blast-Ended Skrewts do not make good pets.

Telling Peter that they do is just cruel.

Dance.

Run into the Head Boy dorms in the morning shouting "AHA!"

Lily does not take well to being seen naked.

Bug Moony about homework after 10 P.M.

Call Prongs a "pretty boy".

Even if he does have long eyelashes.

Drag Moony to a strip club.

Do ANYTHING that involves scissors.

Jump out on random unsuspecting students and scream, "NO one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Involve Prongs in a drinking game.

You will lose.

And Lily will not be sympathetic.

Burst into song in the middle of exams.

Send Wormtail to spy on Slughorn.

What on earth do you even want to know?!

There is no such thing as an "awesomeness god", even if there was, he wouldn't have blessed you at birth.

Drink alcohol before 4:00 P.M.

We're really just trying to save you from yourself here.

Yes, your mother is an awful person. Yes, she most likely scarred you for life. That does NOT mean she's hovering over your bed with a giant axe.

Eat a huge pile of cotton as an "experiment".

Scrawling "The carrots are here! THE CARROTS ARE HERE!" all over your homework just makes you look crazy.

Scrawling it on _Snivellus's _homework, however, is perfectly acceptable.

Squirrels are not 'evil masterminds', nor are ever attempting to 'lure you into a false sense of security'.

If you really must chase them as a dog, feel free, but at least _try _to leave them alone as a human.

London bridge is not falling down.

Dye Lily's hair blonde. Or green. Or pink. _Especially_ not pink.

Hogwarts is not an autonomous collective, and you are not being repressed.

Transfigure the floor of the Great Hall into a giant trampoline.

Make ANY PUN relating to your name, or any joke about "the brightest star in the sky".

You are not the Black Vegetable, nor will you ever be, so shut up.

Try and sell innocent bystanders a dead parrot.

Talk to James in the mornings before he's had at least two cups of coffee.

Pour vodka into said cups of coffee.

Show up to class in drag.

Or a kilt.

Or nude.

Claim that you sold the Earth to aliens and told them Slytherins make good pets.

Remus is a werewolf. This does not mean he has 'creepy werewolf senses'.

Yes, you're that easy to predict.

Holding up a peppershaker and shouting "EXTERMINATE!" is _not_ a good way to cause a diversion.

The owl is not plotting world domination.

Decorate for Christmas.

Firecall Muggles and scare them into wearing purple felt.

As a matter of fact, just stay away from the fire.

Interfere with Quidditch.

Prongs has tendency to turn sadistic.

Write "The Historical Compendium of Marshmallow Rocketships".

Drool.

Lily is a cat person. Cat people don't like the smell of wet dogs.

Follow pretty girls around as a dog just so you can look up their skirts.

Answer every question McGonagall asks with "42".

The library is not poison.

Neither are the dungeons.

Okay, you may be right about the fourth floor boy's bathroom.

Getting into an eating contest with Wormtail is not a good way to spend Saturday night.

Wearing a black cape is fine.

Ditto a black helmet.

You can cast laser spells if you want to.

Doing all three and jumping out at Prongs screaming "James…I am your father!" is _not_.

Madame Pomfrey does not have 'the hots' for you.

Carry around an American flag and run down random corridors shouting "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Call your mother a 'Dominatrix".

Just…don't.

There is no almighty Rule of Cool.

Peruvian vases do not make good hats.

Ask Lily why she and James haven't made Bambi yet.

Follow Snivellus around singing "The Lumberjack Song."

Instigate a repeat of the Whomping Willow Snape Prank.

Stop smiling.

**If Padfoot shall ever dare Break these Moste Sacred and Important Laws, thou shall be hereby handcuffed to Severus Snape, confined to Grimmauld Place for a week, and shot no less than twenty-four times.**


End file.
